One year ago...

This time last year my middle daughter, Princess Buttercup Sunshine, was diagnosed with epilepsy (after 6 months or so of going crazy wondering what was "wrong"- I could drive myself crazy with regret over those 6 months if I let it). Anyway, I remember feeling such fear at hearing the words Petit Mal seizures, and waded through real grief at the realization that she would need daily medication. I was gripped with the sorrow of all the what ifs. What if she develops more traumatic seizures? What if she gets the "life threatening" rash we were warned about from the medication? What if she can't drive? I grieved for the daughter she was, because I thought then that this somehow altered her, that it somehow made her different than she was born to be. I remember feeling that she was not whole anymore. I am almost ashamed to say that out loud today, because she is whole. She is not less than. In those first weeks of being overwhelmed with the craziness of doctor visits, testings, medications, questions, researching the Internet until my eyes were blurry and watery, etc. I couldn't imagine letting the weight of it all slide from my shoulders, but here it is a year later and we are moving ahead. However, there are still days plagued with doubt, and days when she struggles with dark moods swings that leave me asking unanswerable questions like, "Is this because of the seizures? Would she still be this same girl if she didn't have the epilepsy?" What I can say about today, though, is that I no longer carry the full weight of all that heart squeezing fear. And, through it all I am realizing that I am gaining so much strength and compassion. I can face the fact that this sweet, golden girl, who is my joy and my treasure, is who she was meant to be. Epilepsy or not. She is like the beat of my heart, the breathe that fills my chest. My mama's heart beats with a fierce love for her, for all my girls, and that is all that truly matters- the love. Love knows no fear... Love never fails...

Treasures...

This morning I got to do one of my favorite things...garage sailing! Not that I actually frequent garage sales. In fact, I should be clearing out closets and sifting through toy boxes myself. But there is just something about a driveway lined with stuff that puts a spring in my step. So, as I was walking out the door, I asked my husband for whatever cash he had in his wallet cause I was going out and, gosh darn it, I was going to buy something. I didn't know what, but I was going to peruse someone else's stuff and find at least one thing, some forgotten, overlooked thing, and make it mine. Heaven knows I don't need one more plastic dinosaur to pick up, and I have more brightly patterned sundresses than any three girls could possibly wear this summer, but I was betting money I just might find that one completely unexpected, have-to-have-something-or-other, thing. Because, after all, it was Saturday morning, and I actually went to bed last night knowing that when I woke up I had this plan to get up and go. Plus, I had promised I would return with donuts. So finding a new treasure to boot would just make the morning...perfect. And, turns out I didn't even need honey's cash, because I scored this baby for three bucks!

And, speaking of treasures... we decided to head to the park to take her for a spin (after our donuts of course!), and there were more treasures to be found.

Audrey has an eagle eye for all things forgotten and overlooked. She finds treasure everywhere. I love that about her.

Katelyn loved building this bucket of flower goodness with Nana. She's our treasure for sure.

Sunday at the park...

So, today instead of heading off to church, we headed off to the park. After packing the trunk full of park essentials... sand toys, shovels, tape measure, an American flag (don't ask), scooters, and loading three squirmy girls into the car, we shoved off. Our first stop was Starbucks, as all good adventures should begin with a tasty beverage. Half way up the hill to the park, I was fingers-crossed wishing there would be no little league gamers that would surely spill out a multitude of craziness into the park. Because, although I had jumped onto the let's-go-to-the-park-instead-of-church band wagon last night at bedtime, I was still hoping for the peace and quiet of a good sabbath morn. Turns out, Sunday mornings are the perfect time for park going. And, today was oh so beautiful. Sun shining, a picnic blanket spread out on the grass, kids happily scooting by, pumping legs, digging sand, quiet, breezy, ahhhh... That's why I'm easy, easy like Sunday morning...

Things I Love...

So, I'm not a big fan of favorites- much to my husband's consternation, who just can't get that for me, throwing around the word favorite willy nilly is both reckless and, oh I don't know...binding? Favorites is one thing, but things I love? Well, that's much easier. I love the way rain smells on dry dusty asphalt after a warm dry spell. I love the way my baby's warm squishy body cradles my shoulder when I am rocking her to sleep, her sweet baby fragrance circling the air between us. I love listening to the Violent Femmes while driving with the windows down in my car on a warm still-spring, not-quite-summer afternoon with the wind blowing my hair and the sun tickling my cheeks. I love smelling my big girls' stinky feet when I sneak in to give them one last kiss before I go to sleep- a remnant of their baby hoods, which seem to be slipping through my fingers as if I were trying to hold the wind. I love old movies on cold, blustery days. I love dusty old antique stores that have rows and rows of dusty old trinkets from days gone by. And, speaking of dusty old, I love, love, love, the smell of old worn books, and the crispness of their yellowed pages that haven't seen the light of day in who knows how long. Yes, I could go on an on about the things I love... just don't ask me to choose my favorite.

Life in My Backyard...

From as far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I yearned for a house full of laughing, loving, living, but one that was clean and organized as well. Now that I am a mother- to three beautiful daughters- I am realizing that what I once thought motherhood to look like is not what it is. Where I once imagined control and peace and order is now filled with singing, twirling, toys scattered behind, and the forever "mess" of fresh art being created where ever the whim springs. I love the spring and summer because the art pours outside as well. I have to admit that had this been my first child, I would have rushed to keep those strippy leggings clean while the art was being made. But I have learned (ok, AM learning) that life is messy. Art is all around, and that is where we find the unexpected. Unexpected beauty. Unexpected joy. Unexpected life. As I took this picture, my older girls were chasing bubbles floating past, and my little one, drawn to the happiness of color, made her way to the chalk. She picked up the chalk and became part of the art evolving in my backyard each day. I love it. I grabbed my camera, totally let go of the dishes undone in the kitchen and the toys spilled out on the carpet, and took up my seat to witness life. My life. The kind of life I always never knew I wanted. My messy, loud, colorful life. I wouldn't trade these girls in this life for one perfectly organized minute.

Gardening...

Someone asked me the other day if I liked to garden. I stood there for a moment trying to formulate an answer that did justice to both my desire to have a beautifully manicured garden and the futility of said endeavor given the presence of my three girls, and my eyes scanned my backyard, noting each good intended beginning I had made to plant sweet smelling, brightly hued loveliness; to bring the wilderness outside my back door into submission. There, amidst the dainty white blossoms and in the shadow of the birch trees, were my sweet smelling, brightly hued girls, who had ripped out flowers and weeds alike as they proceeded to create a rock school- not as in guitars riffs and drum beats, but as in actual rocks. As we both stood there looking at their progress, all I could say was, "Yes. I grow imagination."