One year ago...

This time last year my middle daughter, Princess Buttercup Sunshine, was diagnosed with epilepsy (after 6 months or so of going crazy wondering what was "wrong"- I could drive myself crazy with regret over those 6 months if I let it). Anyway, I remember feeling such fear at hearing the words Petit Mal seizures, and waded through real grief at the realization that she would need daily medication. I was gripped with the sorrow of all the what ifs. What if she develops more traumatic seizures? What if she gets the "life threatening" rash we were warned about from the medication? What if she can't drive? I grieved for the daughter she was, because I thought then that this somehow altered her, that it somehow made her different than she was born to be. I remember feeling that she was not whole anymore. I am almost ashamed to say that out loud today, because she is whole. She is not less than. In those first weeks of being overwhelmed with the craziness of doctor visits, testings, medications, questions, researching the Internet until my eyes were blurry and watery, etc. I couldn't imagine letting the weight of it all slide from my shoulders, but here it is a year later and we are moving ahead. However, there are still days plagued with doubt, and days when she struggles with dark moods swings that leave me asking unanswerable questions like, "Is this because of the seizures? Would she still be this same girl if she didn't have the epilepsy?" What I can say about today, though, is that I no longer carry the full weight of all that heart squeezing fear. And, through it all I am realizing that I am gaining so much strength and compassion. I can face the fact that this sweet, golden girl, who is my joy and my treasure, is who she was meant to be. Epilepsy or not. She is like the beat of my heart, the breathe that fills my chest. My mama's heart beats with a fierce love for her, for all my girls, and that is all that truly matters- the love. Love knows no fear... Love never fails...